Let’s face it, I haven’t been blogging much recently – And there’s a valid reason for that. And you’ve guessed it, due to the emotional turmoil of an early miscarriage. Also, because I was at a point in my life where I had no idea of what direction my life was going in or what to focus my writing on. For instance, I didn’t know whether I was going to turn this into a mummy blog or to make more travel plans.
Also, you may have noticed that a lot of my content is about travelling and the positive side of life. But it’s 2020 and I want to be real. So I decided to upload more raw and personal content. Before I was afraid to speak up. Afraid to post anything personal in fears of getting judged online, which is partially why I neglected this blog for a while too.
I am going to add a *Trigger Warning* as this is about my miscarriage story. But there is a silver lining as I now want to use that experience to help others.
If you’re a woman who is reading this and have suffered from a miscarriage, my heart entirely goes out to you and I am sending you the biggest virtual hug. And one thing that you need to know is…
A Miscarriage is NEVER Your Fault!…
Under any cirumstances! I will repeat this until I go blue in the face. I don’t care whether you think that it’s due to something that you’ve consumed, lifting heavy objects, stress or anything that pops into mind. It is NEVER the woman’s fault. And sadly, there is nothing that could have been done to prevent it.
Sadly, many women inevitably blame themselves anyway – Many even think that the act of making an early pregnancy announcement can “jinx” it and bring it on. Many women even feel like their own body is going against them and not doing what it’s supposed to do – Because I sure felt that way. I even thought that it was due to me getting “cocky” over concieving on the first try.
And A Miscarriage Does Not Make you Flawed
The truth is, your body is still perfectly and beautifully fine and functioning as it should be. But unfortunately, miscarriages are mother nature’s cruel way of expelling an unviable pregnancy and preventing further pregnancy complications. Essentially, it’s a way of your body protecting itself. So no, you are not flawed or broken.
One thing to remember is that your body is actually doing as it should what it should be doing – as heart wrenching as miscarriages are. And going through this doesn’t make you any less of a woman – It only makes you more and a true warrior.
Once I saw a miscarriage as a bodily function and something that my body SHOULD be doing as opposed to thinking that there’s something wrong with me – Just like carrying a baby to term and giving birth, that’s when I started to heal.
However, in some cases, there are underlying health issues which can cause miscarriages such as hormone imbalances, uterine lining issues and an incompetent cervix – So if you have suffered several losses, please get it checked out just in case! But in most cases, the outcome of a miscarriage cannot be helped at all and is sadly a natural process.
Plus, the chances are that you’ve probably heard about childbirth stories and thought, “Wow, what a strong woman for enduring that“.
Well guess what? If you’re a miscarriage survivor, so are you! You went through the extreme hormone changes, physical pain and took a scary ride on an entire emotional rollercoaster – and despite the negative outcome, you should be proud. Because you’re a survivor, a survivor of a heartbreaking and soul shattering loss.
Miscarriage Statistics to Put Your Mind at Rest
If you’ve suffered a miscarriage and still blame yourself, I am going throw a few statistics here. And you didn’t think that I was going to leave you without scientific evidence did you?
- Two-thirds of all human embryos fail to develop successfully – So miscarriages are much more common than you think and due to this, it’s not your fault. You can view the study here.
- 10% to 20% of women worldwide will experience a miscarriage.
- The number one cause of miscarriages are chromosomal and genetic abnormalities which cannot be prevented or avoided – Which is also not the womans fault.
- Although these habits are not healthy for pregnancies, habits such as smoking, drinking and drugs does not cause miscarriages – In fact, a majority of women who miscarry don’t have any of these habits. You can read more about it here.
- Heavy lifting and exercise does not cause a miscarriage.
- There is no scientific evidence that stress causes miscarriages. Think of it this way, even under extreme war-torn conditions and poverty stricken enirovnments which cause stress, many women carried babies full-term.
My Miscarriage Story?
Firstly, I am not going to get into details of my relationship status, who the father was or anything like that. But long story short, I had a very early miscarriage at just over 4 weeks. Essentially, I had several positive pregnancy tests followed by bleeding a few days later – I was in shock and wondered what the hell happened. It was chemical pregnancy, which left me extremely confused and left in limbo.
I kept wondering, “Did I really have a proper miscarriage or not?”. But the truth is, chemical pregnancies account for a large majority of miscarriages. Plus, they are even more common in the very early stages. So if you’ve had an early miscarriage, never let anyone invalidate that experience. Because a loss is a loss.
I (laughably) laid in the foetal position and cried. Because not only did I lose this pregnancy, but I lost the future than I planned.
I Was Then Told That “Stress” Brought it on…
I kept wracking my brains as to what went wrong and why. The worst part? The when I broke the news, the father responded with, “Yes, stress can cause it. And you stressed yourself out a lot recently. You should do some breathing exercises”. His exact words, not mine by the way.
He was essentially saying, if I didn’t stress myself out, I wouldn’t have miscarried. And I was patronisingly sent some breathing exercises to “help” me with what I have been through. You’re probably wondering, how on earth did I put up with that!? Well, I was numb. This vile treatment was irrelevant at the time. I lost my baby that I put such painstaking efforts into planning for…
So how do I heal? Yes, that’s right, I planned to try for another baby! I can mask and replace the grief. Then, I suggested trying again and he said, “I think that you should not try for a baby for at least another year and try some breathing exercises. Because if you keep stressing yourself out, there will be many, MANY more miscarriages along the way! Also, stress is the biggest contraception” – You can ONLY imagine what this did to me psychologically… It “confirmed” by fears and self blame.
But am I writing this for pity and sympathy? No, despise being pitied which is why I avoided writing about this for so long. I am writing this because if I can survive a miscarriage after being told it was my fault – ANY woman can recover and come out the other end stronger.
But Things Worked out For the Better!
The fear and self blame happened until I contacted the miscarriage association and looked up the statistics – I immediately had the biggest wave of relief and peace in realising that it wasn’t my fault. A lack of education and ignorance from people is what made me suffer more – so now, I am writing to educate and help other women.
Also, I gained my dignity, self-respect and “mojo” back. My father pointed out on Christmas day that, “You’ve got your mojo back Amy!” – So I really like that saying. This experience essentially ended up making me miles stronger than before.
And as for the biological father? I cut contact and said I’m not putting myself through this or will be trying again with him. So I sent a passive aggressive message stating all of the facts about miscarriages backing up why it wasn’t my fault. My savage side literally came out for him to come correct – in a diplomatic way of course! Then, I told him that he was ignorant and that he should educate himself about mental and reproductive health. And boy, that felt good! Especially after suffering in silence without awareness.
Most of all, I realised that my future children deserve MUCH better than this and a more respectable father – Whether I do this with a partner or as a SMBC (Single Mum By Choice) in the future.
Now, you’ve made it this far and may be wondering how this made me morph into a stronger person.
So here are 5 reasons how this made me into a true warrior and some messages that miscarriage survivors can take home…
1. This Has Given me The Opportunity to Prepare to be a Better Mother
And no, if you’re a miscarriage survivor I’m not saying that you weren’t good enough. Because you WAS good enough to be a mum. But the silver lining is this – You’ve gained more knowledge from this. And to me, knowledge is the ultimate factor when it comes to being maternal and having something to offer the younger generation.
So whether you wanted to save more money, improve your relationship or even work towards buying a family home for your future child – You have the opportunity to work towards that now, whether you want to try again next month or next year.
Also, since I am no longer pregnant and backed out of a bad situation, I made more travel plans. So now I can tell many more stories to my future children over these amazing places and cultures. Plus, I’m working on my online business and opened a savings account to be more financially stable for when I do try again.
2. This has Given me the Chance to Heal Myself & Other Areas of my Life
My point also is that if you don’t think that you’re good enough in the first place, you won’t feel good enough with the baby. I felt inadequate due to failed relationships and not having children yet. But I’ve now realised that a baby won’t heal you, you’ve got to heal yourself first.
This experience lead me to really focus and improve on the other areas of my life. Such as my mental health, finances and spirituality – And it has been one of the most healing and empowering steps of my life.
3. This Has Brought me Closer to God
I’m not afraid to show pride in my faith. But if you’re not religious, you can immediately skip this step if you want to.
Initially, I was livid with God. In fact, I had the burning rage of all of the suns in this galaxy. But as time went on I realised that God’s timing is much better than mine. Because shortly after I had some issues with finances and potential legal issues with the biological father. Then, I thought, “Me and my future children can do MUCH better”.
4. This Has Inspired me to Help Other Women
I have no other comments. This is just a pure and simple statement – I am literally listening to Hear’Say pure and simple as I write this (Don’t judge me haha!).
5. This has Also Taught me Patience, Self-Love & Care
Before I fell pregnant and was planning this, I neglected myself. I felt like I needed a baby in my life because I never do things for myself – only others. And this is a very toxic trait that I have too. Because, not only have I neglected myself, but other apects of my life.
Since I had to recover from this, I had absolutely no choice but to care and love myself again. Plus, this taught me to be patient when it comes to planning for motherhood.
Some Final Take Home Tips & Sources
Finally, I want to share some additonal helpful tips, online communities and websites…
- Never compare yourself to anyone. Especially to those families that appear to be perfect. Because you have no idea what they went through prior to this. For instance, I knew a family who were literally “family goals” on social media. Then, I asked how the husband was and broke the news to him and guess what he said? “Yes, my wife went through 2 miscarriages before”. So as horrible as this sounded, I suddenly didn’t feel so alone. So also make sure to…
- Speak about it. Because miscarriages make you feel extremely isolated.
- Join The Baby Centre. Because this community has been amazing! They have many miscarriage and TTC (Trying To Concieve) forums full of very supportive women. Plus, looking at these posts won’t make you feel so alone in experiencing this. Also, there are many positive success stories posted by women who have previously suffered multiple miscarriages on there.
- Reach out to The Miscarriage Association. You can call them on 01924 200799 or email them at firstname.lastname@example.org
- And finally – Get your facts right. Because there will be many myths, misconceptions and ignorant people that will give you misleading advice. So make sure to look up the statistics and to do your own research.
If you’re suffering in silence please reach out to me. Plus, if you have some tips to give, please comment them below. I hope that you enjoyed this and I can’t wait to publish more on here soon!